Both my Dad and I had to go to court recently for unrelated things, Dad had jury duty and I had to testify against a housemate, and we both managed to prove that A) We are without a doubt father and son and B) We’re some sort of mash up of Red Green and Groucho Marx and C) if either of us were ever in court for a serious reason we’d either be arrested for disrupting court proceedings or confuse the judge to the point of letting us go on the grounds of chaos.
“I have found that people involved with the Canadian justice system are, to a man, (or in some cases, to a woman) a dour, mirthless lot. Prospective jurors did not appreciate me referring to the jury selection process as “The Reaping”, nor did they like it when I said: “May the odds be ever in your favour.”"
And just when you thought he had enough fun tempting the definition of “contempt of court.”
Court staff freaked out when I asked if I could sit in the “smoking section” of the courtroom, and got upset when I said (during sign-in) “I was told there would be cookies.”
I guess this explains why I saw the urge to sign my name with an “X” and list my occupation as “Smuggler” when I went to court.
So I haven’t posted anything in a dogs age. I haven’t had the time or the passion to do anything recently. I haven’t seen anything I want to talk about, I don’t need to vent. I don’t know if that will change, cause i still feel the same way.
So understand just how utterly bizarre this is that it snapped me out of this rut.
I was at work, which seems to be the go to location for mind boggling stuff, when I recieved a phone call. thinking with reason it was just to have me do a check on an item I picked up. Instead the customer had called to ask me this:
“How long has fertilizer been around?”
I….what? I don’t, I just don’t….what? Why would you call and ask that? Do you not know what Wikipedia is? Do you know know what Google is? I so want to kn ow what was going on in this persons mind and the thought process that led up to “Hey lets call Home Depot and ask them for the history of crap”.
“Umm…since the dawn of agriculture?” I said timidly wondering if this was supposed to be some kind of joke.
“Oh well if you’re going to be snarky I’ll ask someone else.” *dial tone*
They asked with such conviction, it wasn’t a joke. What possible answer could I give? Ever since something ate something in one end and it came out another end? Ever since Squanto showed the pilgrims that if you plant a fish with your seeds it will fertilize it?
I just…I just don’t understand.
Growing up in the 90s I loved the TV Improv Show, Whose Line is it Anyway. It was part of what inspired me to get into improvisational comedy which I now do. If you have never seen it go and watch some videos on YouTube. Not the revived Whose Line mind you, the older stuff.
So back in the summer I saw that Whose Line is it Anyway was bringing a live show to Hamilton. I immediately bought a front row ticket and gloated about it to my improv friends. It wasn’t something like the Taylor Swift concert where I was counting down the days, it was just kinda there. I respect Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles but its not like they’re my heroes or something, just funny guys I enjoy watching on TV. I left to get there an hour before getting there and promptly there was an accident which delayed traffic. Because of course there is an accident that may make me late for something like this. But while it was annoying to get there with this delay it actually turned out for the best. Stand up comedy almost dictates that you heckle the late comer if the opportunity presents itself.
Greg Proops: Oh I see we have some stranglers, why are you late?
Me: It’s not my fault there was an accident.
Greg Proops: So you drove a car and there was an accident…
Me: No I don’t drive.
Proops: So you rode a bike here…?
Me: I didn’t need a mode of transportation to get here, you just rub a lamp and I appear.
Proops: Ladies and Gentlemen we are in the presence of an all powerful genie…who despite his abilities over time and space is still tardy.
My first of a few laughs that night from the audience.
When playing Film, TV and Theatre Styles:
Jeff Davis: Who goes to University here?
“Puts my hand up” You sir whats your name?
Greg: He’s not a student, he’s a magical genie.
Me: *does the I Dream of Jeanie thing*
Jeff: Alright Zane what do you study?
Me: Theatre and Film!
Greg: Well that explains a lot.
Jeff: Freeze, Zane what’s your favorite play?
Me: The Winters Tale
Jeff: Is that a….?
Greg: It’s a Shakespeare play, he picked the most obscure Shakespeare play. Of course he did. He might as well have said “The Two Noble Kinsmen”.
When playing the Jepoardy game:
Ryan Stilies: I need a place thats really far away
Ryan: Alright your topic is Grimsby…
*Whole audience starts snickering”
Ryan: *realizes he was duped, give me a look” That’s not far away is it?
Okay so most of this doesn’t exactly translate well to written speech but trust me in the moment it was hilarious.
Because this is exactly what my ego needed: the knowledge that I can match wits and hold my own with some of the best improvers in the world.
So the other day my work had a job fair looking for new prospects. On the surface this seems like an extremely dull topic for a blog post but stick with me I’m going somewhere.
You sure see strange people at times. I was working in the greenhouse right besides the showroom. A man walked through the job fair and came up to myself and my coworker. It was originally supposed to be in the greenhouse where the temperature shuffles from “freaking hot” to “Death Valley” until I pointed out that having the first part of the job interview being whether or not you succumb to heat stroke was pretty much a hassle.
“Hi can I help you with anything?”
“Yes is there a job fair in here?”
My coworker and I look at each other.
“Yes you just walked through it.”
“Oh thank you.” And he walked away.
“There’s a sign that says JOB FAIR in block capitals isn’t there.” I ask.
“Great hire there.”
So hey, I’ll be topical for once. A while ago this picture came out and people started to freak out because it meant the internet’s antichrist himself was playing Robin.Since my degree in Theatre and Film seldom gets a chance to be put to the use let me save you some grief. It’s a hoax. Something I figured was pretty obvious (especially since it was announced as one) but people are still reporting on it as if it was real. So lets put my knowledge of film scripts to work and save the last bits of the internet who still think this is real from having a collective aneurism.
1) It wouldn’t have the logo on it because that just not how scripts are presented.
2) It wouldn’t have the title on it because that’s basically a huge flashing neon “COME STEAL THIS”. Plus the movie doesn’t even have an official title yet.
3) Frank Miller won’t receive a based on credit because as they’ve stated they’re only looking at his work as a reference and basing it on his work would have been announced because you kinda have to announce stuff like that because a royalty issue comes up.
4) This film was announced less than a month ago, there’s no way they have a skeleton script or a plot synopsis much less a finished script.
But people will still cry about how this is the end of the DC Franchise as we know it because some pop star was cast as Robin. Until they actually cast a Robin and people will complain about how we almost got Justin Bieber. If nothing else at least it took some heat off the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman. And since I reminded you I need to point out that that no this isn’t a dumb choice for Batman. I know a lot of people were screaming in agony over this and saying that it would be as bad as Daredevil but that’s unfair. Daredevil was from an era of superhero movies that were largely shit and that we have moved past. Besides, Affleck was okay all things considered and even if he wasn’t that great it was over 10 years ago the man has changed drastically since then.
So in summary don’t let these so called casting decisions make you think the DC movies are going to suck. Let DC comics ruin the movies by having them be bad in general rather than get iffy about the actors.
I’d you hadn’t notice I have miserable luck with relationships. Actually luck isn’t Even a factor, they’ve all been miserable failures.
So what’s got me in a huff now? See I met this girl at a friends birthday party and we hit it off beautifully. Others thought we were really cut together and we just clicked. For probably the first time I actually experienced someone who was legitimately interested in me even if it was just a tiny sliver of interest. So she asked my friend about me and suddenly she has no interest in me. Why? Because I’m only 22.
What the fuck.
That has to be the stupidest reason I’ve encountered. What the bloody hell does my age have to do with anything? There is absolutely no reason age should make any difference unless its something dramatic like I was still in high school. Age is of no importance or an indication of anything, anyone can grow old all you have to do is live long enough. I was born at a very early age are you going to hold that against me? Jokes aside, its backward ass thinking like this that makes me shake my head in confusion at people. This excuse has been used twice before and I had to laugh at one use of it. One girl put forward that I was to old for her, which is funny because she still lives at home with her mom, her room basically resembles a 10 year olds with a bunch of Sailor Moon crap and she has no education or ambitions. I on the other hand have an education, am self-supportive (mostly) and have a job that gives me more than 12 hours a week. Yeah she was really to old for me.
Age isn’t a factor anyone can control if you like a person you like a person end of story. It’d be like me refusing to date any girls who’s name is Amy. My reasoning is backwards and stupid and its a factor that the other party can’t control. It’s not like one of us is underage or there’s like a fifty year age difference. Yet when I told some of my friends they defended this girl saying she was right.
“Sorry but she’s right, it’s weird for a girl to be the older person in a relationship.”
Oh that’s logical, way to stand up for your gender. I have no use for pathetic outdated thinking, and anyone that subscribes to this limited world view needs to rethink what it means to have freedom of choice. Makes me cringe that I have a better grasp of this than most, or that I’m the one who doesn’t get things because I don’t see rules in the same narrow world view that is considered the norm. You can’t date someone younger than you? Or some stupid preconceived notion prevents your brain from choosing on your own. Hopefully someday more people will be able to unlock their mind forg’d manacles and think for themselves but until then I have to wonder why anyone thinks this is something.
Maybe I am being ostracizing and demagoging a bit but I stand by this. If you meet someone and hit it off shouldn’t that be what you look for in a relationship? Or some sort of statistic.
At FanExpo I tried the Pepsi vs Coke challenge.
I honestly thought it would be easier than it actually was. I thought I could easily tell the difference between the two, Coke having a more sharp taste where as Pepsi is flatter. It turns out its not that easy. They tasted the same, and was a bit of a challenge. I guess it makes sense, presentation is a lot when it comes to how we interpret food.
My verdict: I hate both of them, I stopped drinking pop a long time ago and they were both not enjoyable. Although I found out the best way to annoy the people who work at Pepsi.
Questionnaire: Which do you prefer, Coke or Pepsi?
Person 1: Pepsi
Person 2: Coke
Me: Royal Crown.
Pepsi Employee: Okay we have one for Pepsi, One for Coke and…One asinine comment.
At any rate I guessed correctly and won a free fries at Harveys.
Yes that’s all I had to say, that you should troll the workers at these challenges by saying Royal Crown.
Yes it was a slow day.
So once again Fan Expo has come and gone into the sands of time. Like last year I had limited funds and a complete disinterest in any of the events, celebrities or panels, making me wonder if I get the point of conventions. For the second year in a row I completely missed my cousin who was also there, presumably running around getting pictures taken with hot girls again.
I actually broke one of my rules in that I went out of my way to get an autograph. No it wasn’t with Stan Lee, Hulk Hogan or any of the other big names that charge an arm and a leg for interaction with them. Bobby Orr was there and the “Complete Bobby Orr experience” was 899. Why in gods name would someone pay something like that, I wouldn’t pay 1000 dollars for a meet ad greet with Taylor Swift and she actually hold cultural relevance at the moment. If I really wanted to see Bobby Orr I’d go live with my relatives in Parry Sound and lurk around until I see him. I’d save 800 bucks and get a nonstop line of homemade cooking. What I did was go to the Cyanide and Happiness booth and bought their Depressing Comic Book for 20 dollars, something I actually wanted but couldn’t get easily elsewhere, and had them sign it while I was there. The guys there were really cool, signing the book, giving me this awesome drawn of Doctor Who, and made the whole experience awesome. That and I got the knowledge I was helping out non-gigantic names with my purchase as oppose to giving Hulk Hogan barrels of money for him to buy more t-shirts to rip. Now I actually have no clue who was the artist out of the four artists because their avatars don’t really help distinguish them but I think it was Matt Melvin? Whatever I’ll figure it out later.
I also got a chance to play the xBox One and the PS4 and my impression is pretty much thus – what the bloody hell is the difference? When I switched from PS2 to PS3 the difference was like day and night, I legitimately remarked that it was like seeing colors I had never seen before. Now, and this is if I’m being charitable, the difference between the PS3 and PS4 like night and later that night. There’s no way I’m going to upgrade until it reaches the point where I absolutely have to.
Although there is one major event at this convention which will hopefully make this day one of the most important in my life.
As you know my best friend is Lindsay Hamilton, the host of the Family Channel and the person who interviews all the famous people. In a sense she’s also the reason I don’t really care about the bucket loads of celebrities at conventions like this. Its hard to not see people on TV as someone on a different level as us, that’s the whole appeal of celebrities, they’re this island unto themselves. I on the other hand now pretty much see them as people with really good jobs. Now don’t get me wrong if Taylor Swift was making an appearance there I’d madly trample people underfoot to get an autograph and photo with her, but most of these people are just people who happened to be famous for something at one point in time.
Let me just say it is really freaking weird to see your best friend signing autographs at a convention. I saw little children running up completely enamored, saying “oh my god it’s you, I watch you on TV!!!”. I knew she was somewhat known to that demographic but to see her fans first hand it was surreal. This is a girl who I’ve fought with, helped with homework, gone to the bar with and saved from spiders – and she had fans, her appearance was enough to make people happy! At time I almost felt famous just by proxy to her, famous just because I have a famous friend. I tell you it was mad fun telling the men who stopped by her booth and were enamored with her and her looks that I was her friend and got to see her all the time. But as happy as I am I came to a realization.
My best friend, only four months older than I, is a celebrity. I work at Home Depot. At the same age we’re miles apart in life. I’m not happy with where I am in life. I’m surviving but I can’t stay at Home Depot forever, there’s nothing there for me. I’m an artistic person, I need to do something intellectually stimulating with my life. I made a promise then and there that I am going to force myself to do….something. I’m forcing myself to write, I’m looking at more schooling just…something. I set myself a timeline, December 31st 2014. If I haven’t done something satisfying with my life by then, if I’m still at Home Depot in a part time position then that’s it, no more retail, no more meaningless work. I will do…something to radically change my life and a fresh start like move to Europe or somethingor go on a world travel.
Something good did come out of Fan Expo it seems.
So Toronto’s colourful Mayor has been in the limelight recently over allegations that he is a smoker of crack cocaine. Never minding the fact that there is a very low chance that he is actually on it (cocaine is an appetite suppressant people) Rob Frd seems to be someone who everyone I know hates and holds in disdain as some idiot and yet support him as amayor.
- He has a personality
Canadian politicians do not have personalities. Quick name a Canadian politician off the top of your head. What are the chances it was Stephen Harper, Justin Trudeau or Jack Layton? Our Prime Minister is basically a robot with an optional emotional compatibility slot that is seldom used. Justin Trudeau has the distinction of being born from Pierre Trudeau, not a thrilling accomplishment considering the illegitimate child he fathered. Jack Layton was a great man but being dead he’s not going to be involved in politics anytime soon.
- He arm wrestled Hulk Hogan
He arm wrestled Hulk Fucking Hogan and won. Come on that’s the stuff that Chuck Norris facts are made on.
- He just does not give a fuck
Most politicians are so damned concerned with there public image they worry over every little thing they say or do. Not Rob Ford, he’ll drive around reading stuff, breaking traffic law and endangering others. Not that this is admirable he could be a danger but still. Imagine if Barack Obama was caught driving and texting, no way would he live it down. Rob Ford on the other hand, it’s just what he does.
* the author would like to note this was written during the height of the crack scandal.
**the author would like to note that he really does not care about Rob Ford, though if asked to vote I may have voted for him just cause he’s so funny to watch.
A billion years ago or so I made two What Ifs for the upcoming Star Wars films, wondering what would happen if other better directors than JJ Abrams had the realms of it. After the second one I wondered about doing the same thing but with vintage directors.
So lets do that:
Alfred Hitchcock: Jimmy Stewart would be chased by a charming sociopathic Sith Lord around Corucant because Stewart grabbed the wrong briefcase and is mistaken to be a Jedi Master (played by Alfred Hitchcock in a cameo).
Ingmar Bergman: Set in Sweden the Sith would be the very embodiment of death itself. The story would concern a Jedi troubled about his existential fear of his own mortality, plagued by nightmares, daydreams and limits of old age. To add sexuality to the mix, there would be sexual tension between the Jedi and Sith.
Otto Preminger: The film would be a ground shattering piece of work that deals with a number of social taboos, completely unexceptional at first glance but brilliant under the surface. However no matter how good it was it wouldn’t be remembered. Don’t believe me? Try and name an Otto Preminger film off the top of your head.
John Ford: John Wayne as a Jedi. If only, if only…
Stanley Kubrick: The film would begin with a Jedi staring out at the audience and deal with the world through his eyes. A Sith would murder people while singing aloud Mary Poppins “Spoonful of Sugar”. It would also probably be an adaption of one of the EU Star Wars book, essentially meaning Disney would have paid 4 Billion to make Fan Fiction.
Fritz Lang: At a running time of 6 hours, the film would concern a dystopia future where the Sith are the elite upper class and the Jedi are the downtrodden working class. An idealistic Sith would try to bring the two factions together but his actions would ultimately cause chaos.
Jean-Luc Goddard: A bunch of teenagers would be living in a Marxist society where they run around acting like what they think being Jedi and Siths would be like in real life, and dealing with the existential ramifications of their actions.
Francis Ford Coppola: It would star Marlon Brando as either a Jedi Knight (If he were young Marlon Brando) or a Sith Lord (If he was old Marlon Brando).
Orson Welles: Orson Welles would direct, produce and write the film and also be the main character. It would never have been finished, either abandoned or mercilessly being edited by Welles.
DW Griffith: The Sith would be Black Americans and the Jedi would be the Ku Klux Klan. I wish I was fucking kidding.
Thomas Edison (Yes Thomas Edison made films): A Sith that looks surprisingly like Nikola Tesla would electrocute an elephant used AC Force Lightning.
Georges Méliès: It would resemble all Georges Méliès in that it would pretty much be a bad acid trip through early cinema and feature extensive experimentation with film making.
Okay I think I’ve milked this cow enough.